Actuarial Jokes 2.0

Who says actuaries don’t have a sense of humor?

(100+ actuarial science laughs below)

A casualty actuary priced an automobile “Fire and Theft” policy with an extremely low premium. 
When asked why it was so cheap, he said… “Who would steal a burnt car?”

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because
that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Not social?

Today´s actuary can get a certain amount of social respect anywhere … by pretending to be an economist.

What is the difference between...

…an introverted actuary and an extroverted actuary? An introverted actuary stares at his own feet during a conversation, while an extroverted one stares at the other person’s feet.

A patient...

…was at her doctor’s office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, “I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live.” The patient asked, “Oh doctor, what should I do?” The doctor replied, “Marry an actuary.” “Will that make me live longer?” asked the patient. “No,” said the doctor, “but it will SEEM longer

An Actuary is...

…a person, who passes as an expert on the basis of a prolific ability to produce an infinite variety of incomprehensive figures calculated with micrometric precision from the vaguest of assumptions based on debatable evidence from inconclusive data derived by persons of questionable reliability.

And then there is...

…the actuary who was so dull the other actuaries noticed.

An Actuary is...

…someone who’d rather be completely wrong than
approximately right.

Can opener.. someone?

An engineer, an architect and an actuary are stranded on a desert island with only one can of baked beans and no can opener.

The engineer suggests lighting a fire to heat up the can so that the contents will expand and force the can to open.

The architect says the contents would scatter all over the place, so he suggests building a structure around the fire to catch the contents.

The actuary says, “Assume a can opener … “

Two actuaries are...

 are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot. 

The first actuary’s shot is 20 feet wide to the left. 

The second actuary’s shot is 20 feet wide to the right. 

The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they shot it.


An accountant, a lawyer, and an actuary are walking down the street when they come upon a man who has just accidently dropped a number of coins out of his pocket onto the sidewalk.

The accountant glances around at the coins, totals their value, and advises the man on how much he lost.

The lawyer ignores the coins and starts searching the sidewalk for dollar bills. And the actuary uses the total value of the lost coins to project what’s left in the guy’s pocket.

Who can count anyway?

Actuary talking:
“There are three kinds of actuaries. Those that can count. And those that can’t.”

Three solid pick-up lines...

1) Of course I won’t tell anyone. I’m like the exponential distribution, I have the memoryless property.
2)  My love for you is endless, like a perpetuity.
3)  Since the first time I saw you, my interest in you has compounded continuously.

Fire or health?

A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg.

The first actuary quoted an annual premium of €500, estimating that the
leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is 10,000.

The second actuary quoted an annual premium of 50. When the second actuary
was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, “I have
this situation in the fire schedule rating table. The object is a wooden
structure with an upper sprinkler, isn’t it?”


A doctor, an engineer and an actuary were arguing about which was
the oldest profession.

The doctor stated that God created Eve from
Adam’s rib, which was of course a surgical procedure.

The engineer argued that, earlier, God had created order from chaos, which was an
engineering feat.

“But,” asked the actuary, “who created the chaos?”

The back window...

An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car. The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.

A life Actuary...

…designed a new coverage “Senility Insurance”. He
expected low claims because “If you remember that you have a policy, it is proof that you are not senile.”

When a..

…marketing officer asked an actuary why he recommended selling more life insurance policies to 98 year olds, the actuary replied, “According to our tables, very few of them die each year.”

Two colored horses?

Straight man:
“Look at those white horses over there.”
“They’re white on this side, anyway.”

In the shower...

Question: How do you keep an actuary in the shower all day?
Answer: Give the actuary a bottle of shampoo which says “lather, rinse, repeat.”


Trendy clothing store for actuaries: the GAAP.


Commutation function: an actuary driving to work.

1 in a million...

Question: What’s the difference between a sperm and an actuary?
Answer: The sperm has a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

Binary numbers?

There are 11 kinds of actuaries, those who can count with binary numbers and those who cannot.

The back window...​

An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car. The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.


An actuary is someone who wanted to be an accountant, but didn’t have the personality for it.


Actuaries like to have fun … when nobody is watching.

The solution?

Three men are sentenced to die by guillotine. The first man steps up, places his head in the hole, the executioner release the knife, and miraculously the knife stops inches above the man’s neck. The king says, “Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free.” So the first man gets up, relieved, and the second man takes his place. Again, the guillotine knife stops inches away from the man’s neck. The king says again, “Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free.” So the second man gets up, free. The third man, who is an actuary, puts his head in the guillotine hole, looks up, and says, “I think I see what the problem is … “

Times three?

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an actuary joke?”

The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an actuary. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an actuary. And the guy sitting next to him is 6’5″ tall, 250 pounds, and he’s an actuary. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”

The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”

Probability of resurrection?​

Question: Why did the actuary put in his will that he is to be buried in Israel?
Answer: The chances of resurrection are better there.

Talking much?

Question: What do you call an actuary who is talking to someone?
Answer: Popular.


Question: How can you tell when a pricing actuary is getting soft?
Answer: When he or she actually LISTENS to Marketing before saying “No”.

What are the odds?

An actuary is walking down the corridor when he feels a twinge in his chest. Immediately, he runs to the stairwell and hurls himself down.
His friend, visiting him in the hospital, asks why he did that.
The actuary replies, “The chances of having a heart attack and falling down
the stairs are much lower than the chances of having a heart attack


An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, “There are 1,248 sheep out there.”
The farmer replied, “Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?” The actuary answered, “Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four.”


Why is remarriage is the actuarial equivalent of death? Workers compensation fatality benefits are generally payable to the surviving spouse until death or remarriage


Question: Why would an actuary’s brain cost more than that of the average person?
Answer: An actuary’s brain has hardly ever been used.


Definition of a joke to an actuary: Something that ALMOST makes
him or her laugh.


Did you hear about the actuary who was so negative, when he walked
into a room people would look around and say, “Who just left?”


An actuary and an underwriter are watching the eleven o’clock news. A story comes on involving a man on a window ledge threatening to jump. The underwriter says, “I’ll bet you fifty bucks he doesn’t jump.” The actuary says, “I’ll take the bet.”

A few minutes later they see that the guy does indeed jump. As the underwriter reaches for his wallet, the
actuary says, “Never mind. It’s not fair. I saw the six o’clock news.” 

The underwriter responds, “So did I. I just didn’t think it would happen

The battlefield...

Actuaries are the people who enter the battlefield after the battle is over and bayonet the wounded.


Why do male actuaries like to use the end urinal? Because it reduces the probability by 50% of being pissed upon by someone else.


Question: Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, the bad actuary, and the good actuary are in the four corners of a room. A €100 bill floats down to the middle of the room. Who gets it? Answer: the bad actuary. Everybody knows the other three are mere fictional characters.


How do you tell the difference between an actuary and the deceased
person at a funeral?
The deceased has a new tie.


An actuary is in a bar when a woman asks for his phone number. He stops to think for a moment and then replies, “I’m sorry, I’ve seen so
many numbers today. I just can’t remember the exact number, but I can probably estimate it to within 10%. 


One actuary to another: “Come on, man, live on the edge; test at 0% level of significance.”

Actuary vs. Mathematician

It’s tougher to be an actuary than to be a mathematician. A mathematician only has to prove he’s right. An actuary has to actually be right.

Zero noise?

Why did the actuary keep a can of lubricating oil in his top
drawer? To oil the wheels of his chair; otherwise they might squeak and someone might notice he was there…

Short version joke...

Several actuaries were sitting around at an actuaries joke telling convention. These actuaries knew their jokes so well that they
assigned numbers to them. In order to save time, instead of telling the joke they would just shout out the number.

“387” shouted out one actuary. The others all laughed loudly in approval of the joke.
”834 shouted another of the actuaries. The others laughed mildly at this one.

“949” shouted another of the actuaries. Most of the others laughed mildly at this one. There was one young actuary in the group who
was rolling on the floor and laughing hysterically at that joke.

The actuary who shouted out “949” settled the young actuary who had been rolling on the floor and then asked him “What is it about joke 949 that is so funny?”

“I never heard that one before”, replied the young actuary.

Yes or no please..

When you ask an actuary a question that requires a one-sentence answer, they respond by telling you where to find the source material
from which you can calculate the answer yourself, then proceed to describe the pros and cons of different methods of calculation.

At the bar...

There is an actuary who is trying to pick someone up at a bar.
The person at the bar asks, “So, what do you do for a living?”

The actuary responds, “I model.” The person at the bar responds, “Really?! I never would have guessed. What kind of modelling?”

The actuary answers, “Actuarial Modelling!”


Question: How do you differentiate an Actuary?
Answer: dActuary/dx.

Question: How do you differentiate an Actuary on
Answer: dActuary/dx + c.

Numero uno?

You have to be ODD to be number 1.


Question: How many accountants does it take to find the present value of an annuity? Answer: Three. One to determine the amount of each payment, one to figure out which account to put the answer in, and one to go ask an actuary how to calculate it.


Question: What happens when the Grim Reaper is busy? Answer: Death
in deferment!

That rare?

An actuary is a mathematician with a brand of insanity so rare as to be valuable. Since sound means free from injury or disease, “actuarial soundness” is therefore an oxymoron.

The bill...

Three actuaries go to lunch. The waiter leaves a check for €26.40 at the edge of the table. When the waiter returns, how much does he find to pay the bill?

Answer: Zero. Actuaries always round to the nearest ten million.


Question: Why did the underwriter deny coverage to the nudist colony?
Answer: There were no sufficient rates to cover the exposure.


Question: What is an actuary’s favourite dessert?
Answer: Pi


Obituary headline in consulting actuarial firm’s newspaper: “Two Pensioners Release Their Reserves”.

Fully qualified?

Question: What do you call an actuary with a sense of humour ?
Answer: Part Qualified.

Blind date

Two Underwriting Coeds are chatting. The first asks, “How was your blind date with that actuarial science major?”
The second replies, “I had to slap his face!” The first asks, “Was he that fresh?”
The second replies,” No – I was afraid he was dead!”


After taking a course in heredity, an actuary concludes if your parents didn’t have children, the probability is very high that you won’t either!


The difference between actuaries and accountants is actuaries already know they are dull and boring!


Algebra wasn’t that challenging to the Romans because X was always 10.


A Bayesian actuary is someone who, vaguely expecting a horse, and catching a glimpse of a donkey, strongly believes he has seen a mule.

One way...

“79.48% of all statistics are made up on the spot.”


Explanation of IBNR:
IBNR is like having a love child that you did not know about; sooner or later he/she is going to turn up on your doorstep.


An underwriter and an actuary walked into a pub. The underwriter said “ouch!”
The actuary replied, “Watch out!!” 

One way...

An actuary always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street!…Because only a fool drives down a one-way street the wrong way, and who wants to be knocked down by a fool?


After collecting hundreds of obituaries, an actuary concludes that on any given day, people die in alphabetical order!

Same but different?

What’s the difference between an actuary and an accountant…?

About $50,000.

type of heart

The surgeon asked a heart transplant patient, “What kind of heart would you like to receive?”

“How about one from a statistician,” the patient says. “That way, I’ll know it’s never been used.”


Q: What kind of insect is not so good at math?
A: An account-ant.

the evil number

If the number 666 is considered evil….

is 25.8069 the root of all evil?

Proof by contradiction

Interesting Theorem: All positive integers are interesting.

Proof: Assume the contrary. Then there is a lowest non-interesting positive integer.

But, hey, that’s pretty interesting! A contradiction.


Old mathematicians never die…they just lose some of their functions.


CEO: “This is kind of odd?”

Actuary: “So is every other number…”


“i” is arguing with “π”:
– Be rational.

To which π responds:
– Get real.


who's your x

Dear Mr Algebra,

Please stop asking us to find your X.

She’s never coming back and don’t ask Y.

Got Proof?

“This is a one line proof…
…if we start sufficiently far to the left.”


The problems for the exam will be similar to the discussed in the class.

Of course, the numbers will be different. But not all of them. Pi will still be 3.14159…


Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?

A: That’s the Law of Spline Demand.

Mathematical Poem


A Dozen, a Gross and a Score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by seven, plus five times eleven, equals nine squared and not a bit more.

PRoduction stop?

What do actuaries use for contraception?

Their personality…!

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Definition of IBNR: In there, But Not Really.

An actuary is a person who measures with a micrometer, marks with a chalk, and cuts with an axe.

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